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Sonnet and Veronica are the co-hosts of Not Your Mother’s Podcast, which is a podcast that covers all the things no one is talking about when it comes to being a woman and becoming a mom. They are also co-founders of Raising Children You Like, an online platform helping parents not only take charge of the toddler years but also transform their own self as a parent.
How to regulate yourself during toddler tantrums – including a breathwork technique
Using journaling to help figure out what fills you up
Implementing weekly family meetings and check-ins
Learning to parent when not everyone is on the same page
Asking for an “honest hour” to create better communication in relationships
How not to pass your baggage on to your kids through your parenting
Building a podcast and business together as busy moms and primary parents
Attention Toddler Parents… if you want to learn more about how to take charge of the toddler years so that you can stop wanting to pull your hair out and throw your own parent tantrum, then head over to Raising Children You Like for more info at bit.ly/stoptoddlertantrums
Subscribe, review and tune in weekly because you know you’ve yelled “Mommy’s on a Call” at least once in the last week!!!
[00:00:00] Stephanie: Welcome back to Mommy’s on a Call. Today I’m bringing on Sonnet and Veronica. They are the co-hosts of Not Your Mother’s podcast, which is the podcast that covers all the things no one is talking about when it comes to being a woman and becoming a mom. And they’re also the co-founders of Raising Children You Like.
Welcome Sonnet and Veronica.
[00:01:14] Veronica: Thank you for having us.
[00:01:15] Stephanie: Hey, start off by asking each of you, what is your biggest mom win of the week? All right.
[00:01:27] Veronica: totally.
[00:01:29] Sonnet: Well, my oldest child starts, , preschool next week. So we have been creating like empathy books where we’re drawing out what’s to be expected each part of the way and talking about our emotions that we’re having while we’re having them. And so. She’s reading the book to me now and super excited.
I mean, we’ll see, day one is going to be probably intense for everybody, but still it’s, it’s just a win to feel like her kind of feeling empowered by the book and by the story that’s to come.
[00:01:57] Stephanie: Wow. And she’s reading it to you.
[00:01:59] Sonnet: I mean, it’s no words. It’s just like, you know, she’s, she’s like first rabbit breakfast, then we’re going to put on our shoes and I’m going to wear the dress that has the rainbow.
[00:02:10] Stephanie: that’s so cute.
[00:02:11] Veronica: It’s going to love preschool. It’s going to totally change both your lives. She’s just talking about.
[00:02:15] Sonnet: Friends. I was like, oh, she’s going to have real friends, not mom friends
or friends, or like stuffy friends. Right. Or the friends that she knows. She’s always like cc’s coming over today.
Alex sees he’s not coming over to, you know,
[00:02:32] Stephanie: how were you feeling sonnet about that? About.
[00:02:36] Sonnet: I mean, I’m extremely excited for her. We wanted her to go last year, but with COVID we just, you know, everything, we kept her home and with the new baby, and I’m so excited for her. And I’m also like, oh my gosh, this is the beginning of them.
Like not being home every day with you. And that’s like, so sad. I’m going to pick you up at 11, but also I’m excited because I’m going to like, get work done in a new way that I’ve never been able to.
[00:03:03] Stephanie: Yay. And Veronica. What’s your big mom? One of the
[00:03:06] Veronica: week, ironically, also preschool related. So my husband, we are very like structured with our time to maximize it because you know, parenting is just all over the place.
So in the mornings he works out and I now take my two year old to take my three-year-old to preschool. And so we, the mom, when of the weekend, Dangling the Beastie boys, the fight for your right to party song. So we like, okay, let’s go party in the car. And so they get like excited to leave the house. And so, because, you know, like leaving the house is sometimes a struggle when they don’t want to leave.
So we all hold hands. We get into the car, we rolled down the windows and we blast fight for your right to party. And we’re all just like, Oh,
[00:03:51] Stephanie: that’s so
[00:03:52] Sonnet: fun.
[00:03:54] Veronica: It’s even more fun when like the sun is out and it feels like summer, especially like after the pandemic, it’s just been really, the energy has been like really fun in the mornings.
So it kind of sets us up for a good day.
[00:04:04] Stephanie: My love that you blast Beastie boys with your two and three year old. You are the fun mom. I see. That’s the funny, I was gonna say, I know you both have two kids, but just give a little bit about your family structure and a little bit of context about kind of the roles you and your husband play in your like family.
[00:04:23] Veronica: Yeah. It’s just, I have a, three-year-old a two year old, both girls, my husband and I both work from home. He is the primary breadwinner Neffer now. And I am the primary child care person, which actually works really well because my work is around childhood development. And so I have the major say in what we do in the house.
And that’s exciting because I also am like a recovering control freak. So it’s like control with like permission, you know, and, and like control authority. So the balance is great because I. Also because I respect, like he respects my lane, I respect his lane and, but he also helps, like, I’m not the primary household person.
Right? Like he T he cleans everything and I organize everything. And when we get like tired of it, we’ll kind of just switch off roles. So it’s pretty balanced in each department because we both kind of like switch on and off with each other. And this is. Us learned behavior. We weren’t like this from the very beginning.
This is very much like a pandemic crisis, like on the verge of divorce. Like we need to figure this out or holds it’s over, you know, so that’s what we figured out last year. And so it’s been really nice that respect is at the forefront of our relationship. We’ve prioritized our relationship before prioritizing the children because as a new mom, I.
The balance was off. I was very like, child-focused rather than like relationship focused and when the pillars aren’t in the right order, then you know, things start to fall apart.
[00:05:57] Stephanie: So do you prioritize yourself in that, in those pillars too?
[00:06:01] Veronica: Um, I’m definitely number one, like with that, and, and that’s like, that’s part of it.
Like I have, my dad was four. And so it was just like my mom and me and all my siblings that were already married by the time I was growing up. And my mom was a depressed person growing up. And so I had to very much take care of myself because that’s how I took care of her sort of thing. Like, I didn’t want to be like a burden.
And also I, I saw her limitations because I I’m also, first-generation American and my mom still doesn’t know English. And she’s been here for like over 50 years. So the limitations of like going to school and not having the parent that would read to me, or even understood how to communicate with my teachers.
Like I had to learn all those things on my own. And so having that survival mechanism growing up has made me kind of like a quote unquote selfish person. So. Prioritizing my needs has never really been an issue. I was actually on the other side of the coin where I thought I was being too selfish, where I was thinking too much of myself.
And maybe I was because I would get so frustrated. Right. And like, what I would come out would be like my anger or my rage. And then I’m like, oh, well I’m a mom now. I can’t actually do that because now these kids are watching me. So they’ve helped me become less selfish in the way that I react. Because of my needs, but I haven’t stopped making my needs a priority.
If that makes sense.
[00:07:26] Stephanie: Interesting. How your upbringing kind of like formed who you are as a mom? Sonnet. I wanted to ask you what your situation is.
[00:07:34] Sonnet: Well, mine is not as evolved, so we’re still doing the work. No, it’s. My husband also is like primarily the breadwinner. He works in corporate. Job and works from home since COVID.
And then I have like three different projects, businesses that I’m working on also in the mom world with Veronica, and then I’m a singer and songwriter as well. And I am primary parent. And so, you know, I also like in primary, I guess we, we share that. Duties, you know, we both have our different strengths and we try to respect that.
I think communication around kind of taking the lead and staying in each other’s lanes is still something that we work on. There’s a lot of like, oh, I see that over in your lane and always got to stay in your own lane, but you know, we’re working through that and. What else was I going to say about that?
[00:08:28] Stephanie: Yeah, I was going to ask, what are they just have your kids?
[00:08:30] Sonnet: I have a one year old. She just turned one. So she was born at the very, very beginning of the pandemic right after your last baby. And I have a three-year-old so we have similar ages Veronica and I both came, became moms together with our first.
[00:08:46] Stephanie: Which is kind of where I want to leave this to is what at both of your kind of pre mom lives look like? Just a, like a quick, quick glance at that. And then how did you two meet and how did you two decide? Like, I’m just going to start this podcast. I’m just going to do this. So let’s start with like, what did your premium life look like?
And then how did you guys meet.
[00:09:07] Sonnet: Well, uh, they both answer the same question. Our pre-life looks like going to lightning in a bottle and dancing there. We met at lightning in a bottle with a bunch of friends.
Is that a dance kind of like festival camping festival? We were in the same camp. I w I came with a friend and she was, we were just, you know, became friends.
And we were friends for years before we had children together. We would do yoga together and. Goodness. Yeah, we were workout buddies. We were fire dancers together. We totally, we took fun. You know, when you don’t have children, you’re like, I have time to take fire dancing classes. So yeah, we were fired answers together.
[00:09:50] Stephanie: is so cool. And so you both kind of got part cause you know, your ages of your kids, you both have a three-year-old also. So you had kids around the same time. So why take it from, you know, fire dancing to podcasting?
[00:10:01] Veronica: Well, we had, so my background is in digital marketing and I was a documentary filmmaker before becoming a parent.
When we were trying to, we were trying to figure out like what we wanted to do with our lives. Because like, once you become a mom, like everything just shifts, you’re just like, oh my gosh. And so we were talking about, and at the time, sonnet was also like in the digital marketing world, I guess she still is right.
And we, we had like the same lingo. We kept figuring out like, well, what can we do with our lives now that now that we’re moms and we’re trying to figure that out, but then like that, and we’d be like, all right, well, let’s talk about like, what is happening? Like, why isn’t anyone telling us about these things that are coming up in motherhood?
And that was always our conversation. Like, why isn’t anybody telling us why didn’t anybody tell us? And so then someone inspired sonnet to like consider podcasting and then one day it just hit us like, duh, that’s our podcast. Talk about the things nobody talks about. And that really inspires me. The movement.
And when we started, when we really decided that we were going to do that, I suddenly found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a six month old. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, I really need to figure out like what motherhood is about, because it’s not slowing down, you know, because when you first become a mom, People like Sonnet and I were trying to go back, you know, we’re trying to go back to where we were trying to figure out, like, you know, pick up the pieces, but like what pieces are there we don’t even know and not realizing that you go the other way.
And so the podcast really like revealed that to us.
[00:11:35] Stephanie: What do you think are your favorite tools and tips that you’ve learned from your actual podcast, either from your guests or whatnot, to help you sort of redefine this new chapter of motherhood for you?
[00:11:45] Sonnet: God, there’s so many. I mean, our, our podcasts we’ve literally asked for tips every single, like that’s what we do.
Action tips. So there, so. Many, I think, you know, there’s just like this underlying theme of like how to tap back into your truth and how to take action from that place. So I think, goodness, what are some of the tips like journaling taking 10 minutes a day for yourself to kind of check in what do I need right now?
And then. Also understanding that the work that you feel is there underneath the surface, as you’re getting triggered by your parents, by your kids. Like that is actually something real. There, there is something about showing up as your full self to be your most present person for your child and to be the most healed person.
So like parenting isn’t just about. Disciplining your child and teaching them all the lessons you want them to know, so that they’re great adults, but it’s also about raising yourself so that you can model that to them and be the person that you want them to be. And I think that that is the through line that we try to get from all of our guests is just like, how do you build this part of yourself out?
Or how do you build this part of yourself out? And it was also the impetus for it. Creating raising children, you like, which is yes, how to raise toddlers, but also how to raise yourself while you’re doing it, because you really are challenged to, to step up to that. And you know, if you want to take that on, it’s such a, like, you know, the biggest self-growth journey you’ll ever do is parenting.
And I think for me, I think that those are like the biggest. The biggest takeaways is just really stepping into what that work is. And it’s a little bit different for everybody, what that, what they need. Yeah.
[00:13:26] Stephanie: Oh yeah. Sorry. I was just really quick to sauna is of those things. Do you do those daily, like, do you journal, do you, or do you try and implement any of these.
[00:13:35] Sonnet: Yeah. I mean, I think the biggest thing for me has it’s, it’s the evolving as my children are evolving and I’m evolving, but the biggest thing for me, probably in the last six months has been just work around boundaries and understanding what firm boundaries mean for myself. What does it look like? What does it sound like?
What does it feel like to set a boundary and to hold a boundary? Despite what other pers let the other person. Bonds might be whether that’s my child, my spouse, or a friend or colleague, and how do I model that for my child? And so, yes, journaling has been something that has been extremely helpful because it’s helped me like reflect on those moments where I miss.
The chance to have a clear and healthy boundary, or also talk about my resistance to it and setting boundaries for my child, or, you know, what am I afraid of there? What, you know, where didn’t I learn this task and being able to kind of bridge that gap has been very helpful through.
[00:14:32] Veronica: For me, I have anxiety.
So one of the earlier episodes was called the path to least anxiety. It was a doula Lauren Archer gave that tip to do, because there’s so many opinions of what you can do and how you can raise a child. And she was like, just simplify it, just take the path that gives you the least anxiety. And that’s been something that I’ve really held onto because with anything.
It like, if you can feel it coming up, like, even with boundaries, like if you need to put a boundary, you’re going to feel the anxiety. If you say yes to something that you should have said no to. Right. And so I always just kind of like, like tap into my body. So what I’ve been doing a lot, which is tips that we got, that we’ve had in the reason children, like program is about massaging your trigger points and understanding where stress lives in your body.
So I am, uh, you know, I, I’m an angry person. I’m not like a scared person. So when I get upset, I get pissed, you know, I don’t get. I don’t retreat. And so I, you know, I have to check my eyebrows. I have to check my jaw. And so I would, another tip that we got from the podcast is multitasking. When you’re doing a task for your child, do a task for yourself.
So you always are implementing these self-care times that when you’re caring for your children and bath time is a perfect time for me, where they’re playing in the bathtub together. And I’m just massaging my trigger points with essential oils and coconut oil. And so it’s like a double whammy. Always built in, you know, bath is almost daily.
And so at least I get that in and massaging my body also gets me in tune with it. And also like I remember to breathe deeply and like, I start kind of going through all the lists of all the things that I know work, but sometimes kind of forget if I just let myself be a leaf in the wind with no. You know, with no to-do lists.
[00:16:17] Stephanie: So that’s a good point. And that’s also a bit of awareness for me, because you said like you do something while they’re in the bath. And I know like if my husband’s giving them a bath, he’s like on his cell phone and like, you know, looking at Instagram or Twitter or something, and I get pissed because I’m like they’re in the bath, like pay attention, but then I realized.
That’s his self care he’s doing that. So you just made me realize it shouldn’t be yelling at him because he’s doing something for himself because you know,
[00:16:43] Veronica: right, right. And especially when it’s more than one in the bathtub, right. Like they’re playing, they’re playing usually have three. Oh my gosh. It’s like a party.
I mean, that’s like it’s water, you know, bath time is technically water play. It’s sensory play. So it’s like, you’re, they’re also meeting. Needs, which is sensory play and, you know, having that stimulation and also having like sibling bonding. So it’s, it’s really like a lot of enriching education is happening with within bath time.
So obviously don’t leave the bathroom, don’t leave them unintended, but you know, do something for yourself. Like I also have a thera gun and I just massage like all of my stress throughout my body. And then I do a gratitude practice into the mirror to talk about like, All the things like part of the reparenting process that we do raising children, you’re like is my work is like thanking myself, showing up and giving myself that gratitude.
So I don’t expect gratitude from my family. Right. Like, they’re not, they’re not going to fill my cup the way I can fill my cup. As I’m massaging myself, I’ll say like, Veronica thank you for showing up today. Thank you for being so thoughtful and generous with your time and with your love and thank you for always practicing patience.
And thank you for recognizing when you do, when you don’t do something like how you want it to, but you keep trying, like, I really appreciate your efforts and just like little simple things like that really fill you up in a way that you don’t actually realize until you realize that you’re not really like losing your mind anymore.
[00:18:07] Stephanie: Hi mamas. If you like what you’re hearing in this episode with Sonnet and Veronica, then you’re going to love their online toddler parenting program over at raising children you like.
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When my six-year-old was a toddler, I read all the books. I took all the parenting classes, but I still struggled. The toddler years are amazing. They’re magical and yet, oh, so challenging. And while I’ve learned many tools on how to handle tantrums and discipline, the part that I was missing the most is the part that really stands out about this program.
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I think the hard part though, too, is just kind of stepping back from that and understanding like what will fill you up? So, you know, what you, what fills you up? How did you get to that point? Because a lot of us, when we do have that time, when we do say like, oh yes, we need to take care of ourselves or we need to do this.
I know best how to fill myself up. A lot of us sometimes look in the mirror and they’re like, uh, I don’t know what to do. How did you get to that point? Or what did you do to kind of figure that out either.
[00:19:58] Veronica: Journaling. So you just asked the question in your journal and don’t even, don’t even put the pressure of answering it.
Just put it in there, like put the questions that you want. Like what does fill me up and then let it go and then go on with your day with thinking about it in your mind. And then the answer just comes to you. It’s really, when you put it out there, it does come back. But the key is that you need to have the awareness to be able to hear it, right?
Like you can’t just like, you know, doing the dishes and then you hear that. Going on walks by myself, really fills me up. And then just like one it out one year out the other, like you have to really grab onto it and then take action.
[00:20:35] Sonnet: We had a guest Heidi Stevens on who I just like loved her tips too. And when she was like, slow down to speed up, you know, that idea of like, Slowing down to hear what it is that you need asking yourself.
Okay. What do I, you know, going to sleep? One of the things that I’ve implemented that she said is like, you go to sleep with this intention, setting an intention or asking a question, or like world the universe, whatever your power is like, w you know, how should I answer this one question? Or what do I need, or what’s going to fill up my cup.
Really being present for the answer slowing down enough to hear it. And then when you hear it being action oriented and taking action on it, because it’s one thing to hear it, the whispers. But if you don’t take action on the whispers, you still have an empty cup.
[00:21:18] Stephanie: Yeah, that’s so true. So along the lines of that, plus like setting boundaries for you too, being co-hosts on a podcast and things, and with, you know, young kids with your other ventures on the side, how do you set those boundaries and find time to schedule your day to record this podcast?
Like any, I guess, tangible tips for people who are looking to maybe start something like
[00:21:41] Veronica: this. I think time block and having people that you can rely on for childcare, you know, because it’s not it’s, you can do it without childcare, but you can’t do it with, so you got to pick
[00:21:56] Sonnet: to tell,
[00:21:56] Stephanie: you were saying like your daughter, was it knocking on the door?
Coming and screaming outside? Yeah.
[00:22:02] Veronica: It’s really hard to do it. If you don’t have a parenting partner or childcare to really take care of the children and create that time for yourself. And also like understanding like first and foremost, like you have to be convicted that you deserve that time. Because if you’re wasting your time being guilty, feeling guilty about taking that time, then you’re wasting it and it’s not worth it.
Right. Because then you’re not acting. Appreciating the time that you have, but really like scheduling time. Like for instance, from my work times is like from wait until 10:00 AM. And then after that, it’s when my daughter goes, she naps for three hours in the middle of the day. So that’s another chunk of time.
And then after that, it’s like we do, I would go do an outdoor activity. We have lunch, we have some more one-on-one time. And then another hour for me while she just plays around. So I just like finding the. You have to like, especially if you’re, you’re not going to have childcare, like understanding that you have to fill their cup to have connection.
And so making sure that you always prioritize spending quality time with them. So they’re not nagging you when you’re trying to get something done.
[00:23:06] Stephanie: And how do you two kind of coordinate things, because I know like having a co-founder or co-hosts or anybody else, like now you’re adding another relationship dynamic to the mix of stuff.
How do you manage your relationship and your different schedules and your different strengths and weaknesses?
[00:23:23] Sonnet: I mean, we always say we’re so lucky to have each other because we really are complimentary in our strengths and complimentary in the way that we work together. And also very much like going through similar phases in our lives.
So Veronica is extremely. Amazing at like practical things, like having the schedules and having things laid out and organizing it all. And I’m very much more like in the moment creative. So we, we help balance each other out and kind of like push each other’s comfort zones in that space. But, you know, we communicate through slack.
We communicate through text messages. We have Asana tasks. We have. Like Google drive that has everything. We have a system in place that we can, like, we know what each other’s open parts of the schedules are. So if we need to schedule things for each other, and I think that all of those things don’t work.
If the two of you are not complimentary, you know, if you’re both just fighting for the same space, taking up the same space, then it doesn’t matter how much you have organized and how many systems you have in place. You’re still going to kind of like not have that same. Give and take that we have,
[00:24:33] Veronica: and then we’ve never had like conflict, but anytime there’s something that like an important thing that we need to talk about, we always start with a conversation with we’re friends first.
And so then let’s talk about it. And it’s never like, not that you know, because we are, we, we were friends first and we are friends first and the business doesn’t work. If we there’s something that we can’t talk about together. And so we. I mean, if anything, the, the friends for first hanging out part has been like, not, Hey, we haven’t been doing many of, much of that because with the pandemic, anytime we did, we have seen each other, which was like just last month or this month, it was for business, you know?
Yeah. So if anything, our hanging out has needs to be revamped.
[00:25:18] Stephanie: So I love the motto friends first because I do feel like a lot of friends go into businesses and they always say like, don’t mix business and pleasure. You know, business and family, whatever that is. That’s really good advice to at least like, know those boundaries and have that ground rules.
I want to switch gears a little to the raising children. You like, I love that name. It’s hilarious because I’m always, it’s just, it’s a great title. So like, I know you talk a lot about gentle parenting and like tips and stuff for how to, you know, with tantrums and all those different things. But I want to talk a little bit about the parents.
Stuff. I I’ve taken classes. I, I know all those tools to you implement on your children, but when you’re in that moment, when like, you know, you know, in your head, don’t yell because yelling models, you know, them to yell and all of this stuff. But when you’re in that moment, like as a parent, my emotions go crazy.
Whether it’s like anxiety, anger, whatever that is. Any, like, let’s talk a little bit about like going through the parents’ mind. Like how can you calm yourself and how can you start to approach situations where you can actually use the tools? You know, because in that moment I feel like I’m like, I know those tools, but right now I can not access them.
Like, so can we talk a little bit about that and like your experience.
[00:26:35] Sonnet: Yeah. I mean, that’s, that’s so much about we, our program is a two-part parenting program and the second part is really like, okay, you’ve got the tools, but now you need to figure out how to follow through, because those moments where you feel just like flooded or you feel like you’re just leaving your body or you feel enraged, like those are messages to you.
Your work to do, you know, you’re being triggered by your child’s behavior. And that might be something like they’re having big emotions. And so you were never given space as a child to have big emotions. And so you’re triggered by their big emotions. You feel like you need to fix that big emotion. You feel like the only way to get them to listen is to yell.
Cause you’ve, you’ve never seen something else work or whatever it might be. That is your messaging. That is your root. And so yes, the first step. Self-regulation in that moment so that you can execute, but you can’t, you can’t stay regulated if you don’t start examining what those blocks are, what those limiting beliefs are, what that pain is that you’re still carrying around and start healing that for yourself and giving you the space to take the steps to really.
Mend that so that you can present a different present in a different way when you are triggered and it all comes down to awareness. And then once you start seeing the awareness, you can be like, oh my gosh, I am being flooded right now. Let me get back into my body. Let me give myself some body squeezes to know I’m right here.
Let me take some three. Like we can give you a tip, a three breath technique that helps regulate you in the moment to kind of like. Okay, quick shot back to reality here. I’m not being chased by a tiger. My toddler is not a tiger. I am safe. My body is safe. Like I can respond as the adult in this situation and we’ll give you the, the breath technique.
But then for me, it just understanding that when my children are at their worst that’s when they need me the most is such a shift and mind shift, you know? And it helps kind of like bringing me back personally. Like that’s such a mantra for myself.
[00:28:36] Veronica: And then to add to that, one of our guests said that she looks at the little toes of her, of her little child when they’re tantruming and just realizes, like, they’re just the little person needing my help.
And that has really brought my big tiger to come down and be like, okay, I’m not in danger. And like to add to what Sonnet is saying is like the awareness piece. What something that really works for me is like, I’ll tell myself, like, I am not in danger right now. I am safe. I can handle the situation. I am not in danger. I am safe. I can handle the situation. I kind of say that enough. I say at least three times, if, especially if I’m like really getting escalated. And then if I feel my eyes kind of widen, I’ll just close them. Just, just kind of like let them refocus and then I’ll do the three breath technique that I guess I can do now.
So you just take three inhales, like. Hold at the top. And then exhale out your mouth. So you basically do that. You can do it once a week. I already feel the shift, but if you’re like super ragey, I do it like up to three times and it really just kind of like brings me to, and then you can say to yourself too, like, this is going to be hard.
This is a hard situation, but I got this, you know, just be truthful, like stand in the truth of the moment. And then, and then, you know, proceed. And if you’re really dysregulated, you can tell your child, you know, Mommy needs it a minute. Let me just get my gather myself. I need to go to the room right now.
Hold on a second and make sure that they’re safe. Take it’s okay. To take a breather, go back, get yourself together and then come back and handle it. But that’s, that’s been the hardest piece because that’s your responsibility, right? Like every, all these parenting people are always like, oh, look the child’s behavior, the child’s behavior.
And it’s like a Sandra, your behavior girlfriend.
[00:30:23] Stephanie: Yeah. Well, and on the flip side too, How do you deal with you’re either co-parent your spouse, you know, your partner, what if they’re not on board? Or what if they, like, I just see this all the time where it’s like, you, you know, one parent puts in all the work to do all of these parenting classes, you know, we’re we learn all of these new, I guess like my parents would think these are totally like w w new age stuff, because, you know, they didn’t believe in the positive discipline.
They believed in discipline and it’s a different culture, but say, like, even communicating with them. My kids will go to their house and they will discipline differently. My husband will discipline differently than I do.
How have you approached your own partners or seen this in your programs on two very different parenting styles?
How do you deal with that? And if you don’t have an answer.
[00:31:16] Sonnet: So, I mean, you know, and raising children, I can speak to like in general, the rep practices and then how it works in my home as well. But I think, you know, in general, it’s really important to have these conversations where you come together with your partner and you examine them. You share where you’re coming from, what your pains are, what you’re becoming aware of and your process there, if healing, and by doing that, you know, without being like, I think these are all your pain points and all your issues that you’re having, because nobody wants to hear that.
But you know, just like letting them in on your process and then coming together where you’re like, wow, I really loved that you did that. And that really worked. And maybe next time I’ll try this, or you just having these state of the union talk. And scheduling these once a week, where you come together without blame, just to examine where you’re both at and start diving into open hearts and minds, like some questions from your past and in raising children you like, we give you questions to ask each other.
Start examining and, and helps bring you guys to similar pages so that you can start seeing where the other person’s coming from. And then it’s, you know, there are, you’re never going to be a hundred percent the same, and there is something about offering to different people. It is better when you both are, you know, have the same vision and goals in mind.
So, and I think it, it starts by sharing. Both of your stories and just coming together. And then we have non-negotiables which Veronica I’ll let you talk about the non-negotiable part where you can come together on that, where you’re like spanking is a non-negotiable
[00:32:49] Veronica: it’s like when you have your conversation, you, you come up with the list of the non-negotiables and most of them is like hands on the child.
Like you can’t hit the kid, but for the most part, it’s like a L a lot of it is. Kind of coming back and realizing why you guys liked each other in the first place. Right? Because there’s so many times like, especially when it comes to discipline, because it’s, so it brings up so much of our own past when it comes to like teaching or disciplining our children, that we’re, when you have these weekly forums with your significant other, you realize that you’re actually not as far off as you think you are, because you both want the same results.
It’s just that you guys are kind of going about it a different way. And when you have these, like check-in weekly moments that. It actually makes you realize that you can talk about things that you kind of forgot about it about, or, and even when you just model how sauna was saying, like you do it, the like, if you’re the person learning all the things and you’re doing it, you’re also modeling to them and they’re going to see like, oh, wow.
Right down to their eye level was able to talk to them as she slowed down. And she was able to slow down the child’s like tantrum. Like they might not say anything about it, but they’re taking no. And it’s like, you know, like that quote, you are the five people who you hang around with. Like, they’re going to get the tips without you, like kind of shoving it down their throat.
[00:34:02] Stephanie: Both of, you mentioned you do kind of weekly check-ins or, you know, are these family meetings or are these just with your partner? And if so, like they have a structure kind of what is, what are those check-ins
[00:34:12] Veronica: look like? So we have my husband and I have a daily check-in called like one high, one low. We talk about like the, what was the highlight of the day?
What was like the thing that when we feel like we need to work on or the things that didn’t go the way we want it to. And that just happens at the dinner table when we’re kind of just like all prepping for dinner and then. Are now that our kids are getting more verbal, we’re asking them like, what, what was like the most fun part of their day.
And then we also go and tell them one thing that we love about them, or one thing that we love about each other. So we’re kind of just like, that’s like a natural nightly dinner conversation. And then at the end of the week, Typically on Saturdays, it’ll just be my husband and I, and we’ll talk about all the things that we’ll just kind of do like a weekly check-in like what, how did the week go?
What did you feel like was working? What did you feel like you need like support around? What can we do? We try also, we also shouldn’t do like one family outing, like every other week, and then just kind of like anything else. That’s just kind of weighing on our hearts. We also schedule sex on Mondays. We were doing it Fridays.
We kept missing it. So now we’re trying to get Monday.
[00:35:15] Stephanie: I was going to ask you about your schedule. I have friends who schedule it.
[00:35:19] Veronica: I mean, we have to go, we also bed share. So it’s like, we really need to. Wow. And I saw a nurse, my two-year-old and my three-year-old to sleep. So I’m. Don’t ask me for sleep tips were that’s the one department where I’m like, that’s the path of least anxiety.
It’s like, it was so stressful to sleep, train them. Then I’m like, well, it’s less stressful for me to nurse them. And I can also eat whatever I want without being like 200
[00:35:49] Stephanie: pounds. I miss that. I I’m now officially done breastfeeding. I been, I said I’ve been pregnant and breastfeeding for six years, but my first one I breastfed until he was about 20 months.
And then I personally was like, I need to stop because I was working full-time and still pumping. And so I went away on a trip. And so I called it like a breastfeeding vacation. I basically pull the bandaid off, but yeah, it’s kind of weird to be done. Like I packed up my pump, like everything it’s so hard.
[00:36:19] Sonnet: I can’t imagine that feeling of just like being detached. Like you’re actually. Your own body. I don’t know. Yeah. It’s really
[00:36:26] Stephanie: sad though. Your body’s kind of like, blah, I know those horror stories that didn’t happen after my, you know, first kid that didn’t happen after my second kid. And then now that I’m officially like done with it all, I’m like, what happened?
Like everything’s gone. Like, yeah. Anyway. Do you do any sort of weekly check-ins I thought you mentioned you did, but
[00:36:50] Sonnet: yeah. Check in, uh, you know, with the, as a family, we do like around the dinner table, we have like, what, what was your favorite part of the day? What are you grateful for? Those are our two questions and we have a lot of fun, our toddlers, the one who like, you know, usually instigates the conversation.
And in terms of like, are talking about things we have. It’s been a little bit harder for us to like get on the same page. We’re both very, very different. And, but we both are super passionate about our children and, you know, want the same thing for them. But we come from very different places, different backgrounds.
And so getting onto a place where we can talk about it right now, our biggest thing, our biggest win is that it’s like in the moment, we’re no longer. Going to be like, try not to place blame, but this was not, my problem was just kidding. It was not something I was doing, but we finally corrected this. No, you know, just in the moment being like, needing to correct in the moment of that you’re doing it wrong or, you know, do it differently.
And what we do is we save that for the end of the day. Like, Hey, like I noticed you did this and maybe we can address that and do it differently.
[00:38:02] Veronica: Yeah. Well, I mean to add to that with my husband, like, he also is very like fiery. And if I was having a hard time disciplining, he would come in and like upset with like a big energy while I was trying to like diffuse it.
And so what I would say to kind of like, get him out of it, I would say, if you can’t be helpful, don’t be hurtful because like right now you’re just coming in and making it worse. And so then he would kind of like, he would either come to. Or he would realize that he’s not regulated enough and then he’d get out.
And because a lot of, a lot of the times he would just make it worse. And it’s like, I don’t want to tell him how to do his own journey and like figure out how to regulate his himself. Like, that’s his word? That’s not mine. If it’s good to come to co-parenting and if he’s not like able to meet me where he’s at, then he’s got to get out.
He’s got to figure it out and then you can come back in when you’re ready. That’s kind of like my boundary with our relationship. Like,
[00:38:56] Sonnet: yeah. That’s okay. The much better example. That was what I was trying to say, but I have my own like emotions around it. And you were like much more like, yeah, that is exactly what I was trying to say.
[00:39:07] Stephanie: I feel like it’s hard to detach the emotion from it. I mean, I’m very guilty of that. Or like if I, I don’t know how you can hold it in and talk at the end of the day, because for me it will like stew in me and like start to build and grow. And then I get this like resentment and then it just comes out wrong.
And I think it’s trying to figure out the proper way to communicate.
[00:39:28] Veronica: And so we call that honest hours. If you have something that you need to talk about, then you say like, Hey, I need to schedule an honest hour and it’s not necessarily an hour. It’s just basically saying like anything that’s going to come out of my mouth.
I mean it. Sorry, you don’t cause any progress, but like, yeah, like, sorry, like, uh, I mean, what I’m going, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but it has to come out the way it’s going to come out and like, if they’re not ready for it, then you say like, okay, well, when are you going to be ready?
Because this conversation needs to happen. And then you let you know, you put it on their table because it’s like, there’s so many times that you can like sandwich things. You can do all the things, but sometimes you just gotta say what you got to say and it’s, they have to be able to receive it. And then when they agree to receive it, it’s that they’re not going to be, obviously don’t.
Hurtful and just say like all the things, but just, you can be constructive by keeping your statements and like your I statements. Like, I feel like th this is my experience of what’s happening. Like, I feel like I don’t have a partner when you check out and I need you. I feel like I’m parenting by myself.
And so what can we do about this? So what are you doing about this? So I don’t feel like I’m alone in this, in our marriage when we’re, when our kids are having a hard time also understanding like if our kids are having a hard time, they’re, they’re the ones that are having a hard time. And we’re the parents that are helping to guide them.
Through it not, you know, we can’t just also jump into the party of having a hard time, even though a lot of times it is the same, like we say, like who’s the hungriest, right? Like sometimes it’s the parent that needs to like cool it. But most of the time it’s the kids. And the more that you practice, like these regulation techniques and being on and having these conversations with your partner, the more that you can see, like, oh, I’m having a hard time.
Hey, why don’t we. Tap out you come in while I go take a breather, get myself together, and then I’ll come back and join you and, and kind of like tag team this, but it’s really like a fluid thing because human relationships are difficult. They’re not just like, you can’t just learn a script and think that you’re going to just fix your child.
You know, it’s really like. Seeing the child for who you have in front of you, not for who you think you haven’t in front of you, who
[00:41:31] Stephanie: you want it to, just because all of those are tips that you can use with your partner tips that you can use with your children, tips that you can use them almost any relationship.
[00:41:40] Veronica: Even in business. Totally, totally. I mean, because it’s all human relationship, right. And then it’s just, it’s about keeping it age appropriate and understanding. And also understanding like what, what children need versus what adults need. And most of the time, especially if the, if the adult didn’t get these lessons as a child, they’re going to be the same.
Right. Like narrating the experience. So they understand like, this is what’s happening right now. And you’re not seeing this because you’re stuck in a feeling and the feeling, is it facts, you know? Right. But
[00:42:09] Sonnet: with an adult, it’s like you, they are allowed to take responsibility for, you know, they can take responsibility for their part of it and with a child.
Yeah. Supporting them through understanding and processing that. Right.
[00:42:21] Stephanie: So how did you guys get inspired, , to start teaching and creating courses around all of this coming from, you know, your different backgrounds and digital marketing and songwriting. And I know you guys became a mom, but what.
What inspired you guys to start sharing
[00:42:36] Sonnet: this? I mean, I think it’s just the transformation that we’ve seen in our own lives and with our children. And for me personally, it’s like, I just want to show up and do the very best job that I can. And I think we all have our different pains from our past and
work that w we want to give our children something different and maybe like, they’re all gonna have their own journey, but like, I don’t want to pass on my baggage to her and I want to give her every, or them both. I just I’m saying her cause she’s older, but both of my girls, just as many tools as they can have as I can give them to get through life and with joy and with skill and with resilience and to have empathy and.
All the things that I want for these little girls. And so I’m so super motivated to practice it and to see these results and to have like a platform that I can really sink my teeth into and share this with other parents, because this is what changes the world. This is what changes the generations to come.
[00:43:38] Veronica: Right. And then, I mean, that’s ultimately why we started the podcast was because we knew that there was like this underlying motivator of parenting and we were trying to get our finger on it of like, what is this? There’s a transformation that happens here and like, what is it exactly. And it wasn’t, I mean, we get so much from the podcast, but it really wasn’t until we met Brianna who’s our, the infant childhood educator and the licensed marriage and family therapist.
She’s been doing this clinical work for a decade. And so we basically took her framework of her clinical work and we took her clinical work and created a framework out of it. And really just kind of understood how it all kind of goes together. And she’s just like this wealth of knowledge. She just says something and you’re like, no, no, no, but there’s like a process to this and you’re saying it, like you were saying, if there’s like something here, like we needed to figure this out.
And that’s kinda like, whoa together is because we are these like hungry, motivated moms who have the skillsets to make, uh, frameworks and make digital marketing art, and make, you know, the relationships to be able to get this out to the world. It’s like us three really are these three pillars that actually connect.
This online program accessible to anyone because she only has a practice in Redondo beach and you know, her hours are just, but not online.
[00:44:50] Sonnet: Right. I loved that talks like, she’s just like, oh, well you just do this. We’re like, okay, we’ll keep like break it down. You know, we’re not like. Parenting guru, like she just like lives and breathes this.
So breaking it down, like Veronica said in a way that we could really understand the process so we could start implementing it. It was so incredibly just enriching for everybody.
[00:45:13] Stephanie: That’s amazing. Well, to wrap things up and then I’ll ask where we can find all of this stuff. But the final question is what do you think is your mom’s superpower that you gained?
Once you became a mom that makes you better in business or life? So a superpower that like the minute you became a mom, you like acquire.
[00:45:33] Sonnet: I want to say it’s like something around, I don’t know how to like concisely say it, but it’s something around just like sitting in the fire. Like I can do this. Like, you know, whether it’s business and it’s uncomfortable.
My child’s tantruming. It’s uncomfortable. Like uncomfortable conversations. Like I am here for it. I’m not like I’m not running away. There’s nobody. I’m not going. Hand this off to somebody else. This is my there’s resilience. I guess it’s resilience. Like you’re just super present in a way that you’d never had to be before, or you never wanted to be before.
[00:46:06] Veronica: Um, I guess my mine would probably be that I just became more truthful about like the, the experience and I didn’t sugar coat, anything. And, and with that truth, then you can move in the direction that you want to move, because you’re not lying to yourself about how hard it is or how fun it is. Loving it is, or you know, how great it is or how not graded as you know, it’s like so many people like to say like, oh, it’s just so I’m struggling so hard.
It’s so stressful. It’s so stressful. And it’s like, yeah, it is. But like, what are you doing about it? You know, or moment my God, this is so blissful. Everything’s so great. And it’s like, is it though? You know? So it’s like, there’s a, there’s a balance. There’s a balance being truthful about where you actually are, is important because children are truthful, right?
Like children live in the moment. They show you how to be that honest and a lot of times. Yeah. We tend to lie to ourselves to say that everything’s all good when it might not be. And if you’re not being truthful, then you’re not going to find the answers that you’re seeking.
[00:47:04] Stephanie: Love that. So where can we find you guys?
And Like what’s the deal with it?
[00:47:08] Sonnet: Yeah, so it’s a two-part program and you can find us at raising children you liked.com. It
[00:47:14] Stephanie: follow us on Instagram and I will link it in the show notes. And then where can we find your podcasts too?
[00:47:19] Veronica: Okay. Now you’re on this podcast for it or everywhere, like Spotify, YouTube.
What else? What else is iTunes?
[00:47:28] Sonnet: Google play everywhere.
[00:47:30] Stephanie: I love it. Well, thank you ladies so much for joining today. I appreciate all your insights.
[00:47:35] Sonnet: Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us.
[00:47:37] Stephanie: Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of mommy’s on a call. Your support means the absolute world.
To me. You can find the show notes for this episode and others. Over at mommy’s on a call.com. And if you enjoyed this episode or have gotten value from the podcast, I would be so grateful if you could head on over to apple podcasts and leave a rating and review so that we can reach and empower more moms all over the world together.
Thank you so much again, mommy pod, and I will see you here next time.